Part 1: ‘Maybe that was not your journey’
Part 2: ‘You have to let go of who you were, to discover who you can become’
Part 3: ‘I can’t wait to meet the person you’re going to be’
Letting Go
Digital art | 3 part series
Part 1
A few major things have changed in my life recently. Firstly of course, top surgery. While I have not yet seen my bare chest, I am experiencing so much gender euphoria as a result. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and grinning to myself like an idiot. The actual surgery and recovery has been much smoother than I expected, with barely any extra pain or other side effects. I am looking forward to getting to know my body again.
The other big thing, I am starting an apprenticeship for Creative Content Production. If you are wondering what it is, the government website says, “Creating content for a wide range of media, including digital, social media, broadcast and print.” I am excited to start this, because creating things is my favourite thing to do! I have been feeling a bit aimless recently, after stepping away from maths and academia, and I finally feel I have a sense of direction with this apprenticeship. It is also all remote which is incredibly useful particularly for managing my disabilities at the moment.
Part 2
I’m absolutely loving playing with ridiculous colours in these. I’ve kind of just gone “what if light worked completely differently” and I wasn’t sure if it would look good but I’m very happy with it.
Recently, I have realised I have changed a lot. And I really mean a LOT. I’ve spent most of my life prioritising certain things and thinking I wanted to be a certain way, and I’ve realised that recently, none of the things I thought I wanted for myself are true anymore. I had this idea of me, a weird old professor type I guess, where I prioritised intelligence, knowledge, learning. That version of me wanted to study maths and never have to leave the safe walls of academia. I think the reason I gave up on this version of me, is due to my worsening health. Brain fog (which is a symptom of many chronic illnesses) meant that I was no longer able to grasp concepts as quickly as before. Fatigue and pain meant I couldn’t study for as long as I used to. Those, on top of my ADHD inability to choose when I can focus, meant the weird professor version of me was no longer an attainable ideal.
But I also don’t think I “gave up” on it. I think that life beat the absolute crap out of me, and I started valuing things like human connection far more than I used to. I watched the journeys of some very intelligent people I knew, who ultimately, never found what they wanted. And while I may admire them hugely, nobody would want the path they took.
So, I’m letting go of the weird old professor. I thank him for all the amazing things I learnt in an effort to be him, but it is time we part ways. I want to start prioritising connection. I want to CREATE. I want to build something in my tiny, tiny corner of the world and say “look! I did that!”
I hope you’ll join me in this new adventure
Part 3
Yay! Part 3 is done! I’m very pleased with this lil trio of art, it’s quite personal and self-reflective I guess, and quite a bit different to the art I have shared so far.
I have so many exciting things I’m working on right now. I have just been feeling an abundance of self-love recently, and want to unapologetically share it with you. Self-love is extremely difficult, it takes a lot of time and practise. I wish I could share some of it with all of you who struggle with it, as you are all so goddam amazing, and you deserve to be able to acknowledge it.
