Part 1: ‘Maybe that was not your journey’
Part 2: ‘You have to let go of who you were, to discover who you can become’
Part 3: ‘I can’t wait to meet the person you’re going to be’
A few major things have changed in my life recently. Firstly of course, top surgery. While I have not yet seen my bare chest, I am experiencing so much gender euphoria as a result. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and grinning to myself like an idiot. The actual surgery and recovery has been much smoother than I expected, with barely any extra pain or other side effects. I am looking forward to getting to know my body again.
The other big thing, I am starting an apprenticeship for Creative Content Production. If you are wondering what it is, the government website says, “Creating content for a wide range of media, including digital, social media, broadcast and print.” I am excited to start this, because creating things is my favourite thing to do! I have been feeling a bit aimless recently, after stepping away from maths and academia, and I finally feel I have a sense of direction with this apprenticeship. It is also all remote which is incredibly useful particularly for managing my disabilities at the moment.
I’m absolutely loving playing with ridiculous colours in these. I’ve kind of just gone “what if light worked completely differently” and I wasn’t sure if it would look good but I’m very happy with it.
Recently, I have realised I have changed a lot. And I really mean a LOT. I’ve spent most of my life prioritising certain things and thinking I wanted to be a certain way, and I’ve realised that recently, none of the things I thought I wanted for myself are true anymore. I had this idea of me, a weird old professor type I guess, where I prioritised intelligence, knowledge, learning. That version of me wanted to study maths and never have to leave the safe walls of academia. I think the reason I gave up on this version of me, is due to my worsening health. Brain fog (which is a symptom of many chronic illnesses) meant that I was no longer able to grasp concepts as quickly as before. Fatigue and pain meant I couldn’t study for as long as I used to. Those, on top of my ADHD inability to choose when I can focus, meant the weird professor version of me was no longer an attainable ideal.
But I also don’t think I “gave up” on it. I think that life beat the absolute crap out of me, and I started valuing things like human connection far more than I used to. I watched the journeys of some very intelligent people I knew, who ultimately, never found what they wanted. And while I may admire them hugely, nobody would want the path they took.
So, I’m letting go of the weird old professor. I thank him for all the amazing things I learnt in an effort to be him, but it is time we part ways. I want to start prioritising connection. I want to CREATE. I want to build something in my tiny, tiny corner of the world and say “look! I did that!”
I hope you’ll join me in this new adventure
Yay! Part 3 is done! I’m very pleased with this lil trio of art, it’s quite personal and self-reflective I guess, and quite a bit different to the art I have shared so far.
I have so many exciting things I’m working on right now. I have just been feeling an abundance of self-love recently, and want to unapologetically share it with you. Self-love is extremely difficult, it takes a lot of time and practise. I wish I could share some of it with all of you who struggle with it, as you are all so goddam amazing, and you deserve to be able to acknowledge it.